The Better Way to Communicate and Build Healthy Relationship
Amidst the time of advanced technology, our connection to other people might not be as close-knit as those of previous decades. Now we are far too busy connecting through social media, emails, and virtual calls than direct and down-to-earth conversation. So how can we genuinely communicate and build a stronger relationship? What do interpersonal relationships mean to you? How do you work out complicated relationships? These are relevant questions in helping us establish communication and build a healthy relationship.
There are four steps in building a healthy relationship. The first one is to send loving-kindness. It is a way to cultivate compassion within us. When we wake up in the morning, we can already practice this. We can begin by sending love to ourselves with the loving-kindness meditation:
-May I be healthy and happy.
-May I be safe and free from injury.
-May I learn to look at myself with the eyes of understanding.
-May I overcome my difficulties.
Once we can send love to ourselves like this, we can also offer love to our loved ones or other people in need. When we’re peaceful, we can radiate the energy of peacefulness to everyone around us. The world today is in dire need of peace. War can start when people are not at peace with themselves. Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh had said, “Peace in oneself, peace in the world.”
The second step is to look deeply into our relationship and acknowledge our situation. It’s like a doctor diagnosing the health of his patient. We need to see whether our relationship is healthy or needs improvements. Of course, in the case of an abusive relationship, we’ll need further action and intervention. It is a different dilemma. Here, we are only speaking about a still workable and transformable relationship.
When we see that our relationship is not in good harmony, we first need to accept our role in creating such a difficult situation. We know that we have played a role in the conflict. There’s a Vietnamese saying, “It takes two hands to break the chopstick .” It’s not only the other person who created disharmony in the relationship. We might have said or acted in such a way that brought about the conflict. The second thing is to see that both sides suffer and need help. Forgiveness and acceptance, in this case, can help resolve the situation. When someone hurts us, they might be drowning in their suffering and cannot see the way out. They might not know how to take care of their suffering and transform it, so they pour it on us. What that person needs is love, understanding, and acceptance. Blaming does not help either side.
The third step is to practice listening deeply. Just listen without judgment, blaming, or criticizing. To do so, we need to be present. We turn off our electronic devices, stop talking, and stop doing whatever at the moment. There are the Six Mantras that Ven. Nhat Hanh suggested that we try in our daily lives to improve our relationships. The first one is “I am here for you.” The second one is “I know that you’re there and I’m very happy.” It is not an auto-suggestion. When we are truly there, we can be there for the other person. And with the energy of mindfulness, we can acknowledge the other person’s presence. Thereby, our listening will be more profound. We can listen without judging or reacting. We listen with our heart and not with our head, our thinking. There are many popular hotlines for suicidal young people worldwide, with the aim of “just listening, not judging .” It is beneficial for people with difficult cases to express themselves without fear. Sometimes, by listening deeply, we can already relieve much suffering in the other person.
The fourth step is to practice mindful, loving speech. This method might take some practice. To do so, we need to, first of all, have compassion within ourselves. Speaking from the heart is a way to heal complex relationships and bring about reconciliation. Words can be a powerful tool. It can help to save lives or damage people’s self-esteem. Ven. Nhat Hanh shared his insight on mindful speech and deep listening in his revised Five Mindfulness Trainings, in which the 4th Mindfulness Training stated: “Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am committed to speaking truthfully using words that inspire confidence, joy, and hope…I will speak and listen in such a way that can help myself and the other person to transform suffering and see the way out of difficult situations.” Thus, we can connect better and more profound by communicating by mindful speech. Like deep listening, we also need to be truly present and kind so that what we share can touch other people’s hearts. When we have some emotions like sadness or anger, we need to come back to ourselves to breathe and calm ourselves before we speak; otherwise, people might not receive our words easily.
In summary, if we want to improve our relationship, we need to practice loving kindness, be fully present, look deeply into the situation and practice loving speech. By refraining from judging and blaming others, we can help to heal misunderstanding and disharmony. We acknowledge that suffering arises due to our wrong perceptions about each other. If we can let go of these false perceptions, we can begin to truly understand each other so that love can grow, thereby transforming our relationship into a healthier one. It is the most precious gift we can offer to our loved ones and the people around us.
DHN
